ProfessionalGooner
Adult costume. One size fits most.
He has not seen the sun since 2021. He has seen everything else. Twice. Now available in a box.
What's in the box
We opened one. We closed it again.
Includes:
- Lotion, family size, unscented, half gone,
- Tissues, box says 200, box is lying,
- Noise-cancelling headphones, cancel your mother,
- 37 incognito tabs, one is playing audio, he cannot find it,
- Grey sweatpants, they were white,
- One (1) chair that has seen things
Not included:
- Girlfriend,
- Sunlight,
- Self-respect
Warning
Closes all tabs when someone enters the room.
Knock. Wait 45 seconds. Leave forever.
Keep away from open windows. And closed ones.Incognito mode does not work on God.
He knows. His mother knows. The ISP knows. The tab stays open.
Every box is the same box
Six units. Same face, same sweatpants, same tab. Restocked nightly. Nobody has seen the truck. Nobody has seen his face in daylight either.
Returns not accepted. Nobody has tried. Nobody has left the chair long enough to try.
Every morning the shelf is full. Same units. They did not leave. They minimised.
The one in the window is not for sale. He came with the building.
Fits. He did not try it on.
Verified purchases. Verified by the units, from the chair, with one hand.
★★★★★Bought it for my son. He was already wearing it. He asked me to knock next time. I did not know there was a first time.
Sandra · Verified purchase
★★★★★Showed my wife. She moved out. Five stars, more Wi-Fi for me.
Verified purchase
★★★★☆Headphones work. Nobody has spoken to me in nine days. I do not think that is the headphones.
Verified purchase · Day 9
★★★★★Wore it to the office. Nobody noticed. I do not work there. They gave me a lanyard.
Verified purchase
★☆☆☆☆Sunlight not included. It says so on the box. Still upset. Still inside.
Someone who entered the room
★★★★★Arrived pre-worn. Smelled like ambition and energy drink. Would recommend.
Verified purchase
★★★★★Came with 37 tabs. Now has 41. One is playing audio. Send help. Do not send help.
Verified purchase
Notice of voluntary recall
Posted at the front of the store. Nobody has read it. Nobody has looked up.
- Product
- Professional Gooner. Adult costume. One size fits most.
- Reason
- Units observed leaving the box after midnight. They return within four minutes. Every time. Four minutes.
- Hazard
- None identified. Do not shake hands with the unit.
- Units affected
- All of them. Willingly. Enthusiastically.
- Remedy
- Return the unit to the chair. Dim the lights. Pretend you saw nothing.
- Questions
- Ask in the break room. Someone is always up. Nobody is ever done.
The display units
Six poses, cut out, ready to post. One click puts the PNG on your clipboard. Works with one hand. That was the brief.
Box yourself
Every gooner starts as a person. Upload a photo, name the product, list what is in the box. The box does the rest. The photo never leaves your device. Like him.
Attention shoppers
The store closes in ten minutes. You have been in it since 2021.
The man in the box is not an employee. He is not a customer. He came with the building. This is a website for a coin, the coin is a man in a box, and the man is you. You know it is you. Your 37 tabs know it is you. The ticker is the only thing in this store allowed to go up.
Being a gooner is now a costume you can buy. It fits. Wash your hands first.
The receipt
The one part of this site with no joke in it. Check every character against the pinned post. Anything else is not this product.
GOONER Seasonal
CA drops at launch
Copy the address from here or from the pinned post. Never from a reply. Never from a DM. Never from a man in a box.
Thank you for shopping. Please keep your receipt. Please wash your hands. Please.
Where the units go
Three doors. That is the whole store.